today the answer is no. it is not an easy no. i have prayed and asked and pleaded and begged. i have shook my fist at the heavens. i have laid my heart at the altar countless times, only to snatch it back to the safety of my own control. i have wanted and wished and wept. but no has come.
so i am left only with the knowledge that god is able. he is able to do all things. he could change any situation. he is completely sovereign. the answer may never change. but regardless, he is able.
but not only is he able, he is good. i think he will always be good in a way that i don’t understand. i have started to come to a place where i know in a deep part of my heart that my view of my good and his view of my good will rarely look this same. my view from this fallen world will never be quite right.
but regardless, he is good. and i will make the conscious choice in hard moments to choose to believe that he is good. and maybe the hard moments will turn into hard hours. and maybe the hard hours will turn into hard days. and days to months, and months to years. and maybe the hard years will turn into an entire lifetime of having to chose over and over that the lord god is almighty is sovereign. and that he is good.
and by his grace alone, may he find me faithful…making the choice over and over and over. it is what i want so desperately. i want to choose him. i want to choose him over everything i know right now and everything i could know in the future. i want to want him most.
because he is good. and he is able. and for me, that is enough.
